I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After TWO HELLISH WEEKS of having to wait for test results, my hematologist informed me that my bone marrow came back negative for lymphoma and leukemia!!!! I am relieved beyond words. I owe a HUGE thank you to everyone who has given me support and let me vent/scream/cry to them during these past few weeks.

The only abnormality that my bone marrow showed was "absence of iron". They said they could not find ANY trace of iron in my bone marrow. And this is after 8 months of taking iron supplements and shots. So now I'm getting intravenous iron transfusions once a week to see if my body can hold onto the iron. So we know it's not leukemia or lymphoma, but we still don't know what's causing all of the problems I'm still having. I'm just EXTREMELY glad it's not cancer. My sister and I are the only grandaughters on my Mom's side of the family who haven't died of cancer. Since I already had to deal with colon cancer when I was 18, I was starting to feel like maybe cancer was stalking me like in the movie Final Destination. I kept thinking that since it didn't get to take me when I was 18, that it was going to keep trying until it succeeded. I know that may sound crazy, but you start to think crazy things when you average 2-3 hours of sleep every 3 days.

I got to spend a fun weekend up in Blacksburg with Adam this weekend. When he showed up, he'd gotten almost all his hair cut off! He said he had it cut really (REALLY) short so that if I ended up having to deal with cancer (again) and had to go through chemo, he'd get the rest shaved off to match me if I had to lose my hair. That's love, right there. He also made me dinner and our non-alcoholic version of bubbly to celebrate the good news. Of course, that was AFTER we watched our Hokies kick some football hiney against Cincinnati.

My next appointment is with my main doc this Thursday, where we're going to start the ball rolling on me getting transferred to probably Duke since the docs around here have exhausted all of their options. I'm just insanely happy it's not cancer.

<----- (this is me right now)

So the good news is I don't have cancer. The bad news is I'm still playing "stump the doctors" cuz they still don't know what IS causing all of this.

I think I'ma go watch a movie since I can't sleep. I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend! And I promise to get (and stay) caught up on all y'alls blogs this week, cuz I've missed hearing what's going on with you guys.

It's nearly 8am and I haven't been able to sleep yet...

Sorry y'all, been havin a rough time this past week. Ended up doing the hermit thing again and freakin some people out (sorry Abbie) but just haven't been feeling very social. Basically just been going to physical therapy, and trying to keep my mind off of Friday (aka tomorrow). On one hand, I'm looking forward to it because I'll get to see Adam (woohooo!) but on the other hand, I've gotta go back to the hematologist to get the results from my bone marrow test (yipe). So the more I try not to think about Friday, the more I end up thinking about it. I owe tons to y'all keeping me sane these past couple of weeks, and yet AGAIN I've been lousy about regular bloggage, and generally keeping in touch with people.

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Wanna say thank you AGAIN to Abbie for signing me up for Netflix free for 3 months!!!!! That was freakin AWESOME of you to do and it's been helping make the whole "stuck in bed" thing a lil better since I can't get out much. Trust me, I'm makin sure you get your full money's worth out of that. I've had it for 2 weeks and I've already seen 9 movies. I've got 2 more movies coming tomorrow in the mail.

woohoo!

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Wellllll, there's not much else to talk about so I guess I'll try again to get some sleep before physical therapy today. Hope everyone else is having an awesome week! For those of you with a regular 9-5ish job, keep your head up, it's almost the end of your week!

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G'mornin y'all.

Man am I a crappy blogger...

I'm really sorry for the inconsistency in the bloggage lately guys.It's been another rough week. I'm extremely medicated right now and I lose the ability to edit myself when I'm in this condition, so I might end up re-reading this post tomorrow and editing it.

Basically, I ended up hitting rock bottom last Thursday. With the 20 or so medications I'm on, it feels like my body and my personality are not under my control. I ended up having an intervention of sorts with my dad and sister because I was contemplating some ideas that weren't healthy, and I wanted to give up; to just disappear. They kept me from doing something very stupid, and very permanent.

You've got to understand: I used to be very physically active, always playing volleyball, rollerblading, running, stuff like that. Now I can't even turn a doorknob without feeling pain. My doctors keep making me go through all these painful procedures and tests, without getting any real answers about what's wrong.

There's only so much one person can take before they start to break. And I broke last Thursday. Most days I don't even have the energy to get out of bed. It's a real struggle just to get myself up to go get something to eat. I can't get in my car and drive myself to the grocery store. I'm having to be completely reliant on those around me. I'm used to being very independent, and this is a big [frustrating] change for me. It feels like these medical problems and all the medications I'm on are slowly turning me into someone I don't like, and I feel helpless to stop that from happening.

I want to take the time to give major shout outs to the people who have been cheering me up and helping me to see the silver lining until I can do it on my own again (if you're not on the list, please bear in mind that my memory sucks right now and I'm loaded to the gills with meds, so I apologize for the error):
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Abbie ~ You've been my best friend for as long as my boyfriend has been walking the earth. You've seriously seen every side of me and haven't run screaming. You've been through all my mood swings, medical problems, and helped me through losing my Mom. This past March when everything suddenly went extremely downhill with my health, your family took me in as one of their own. Abbie, you dropped all your plans and with less than 12 hours notice, got in your car at the ass crack of dawn, and drove up here from two states away to be with me through the hospital stuff. You spent an entire week taking complete care of me when I couldn't do it for myself. You blessed me with the honor of being your maid of honor and getting to stand up next to you at the altar when you married the man who makes you happier than any other man has. You are the least selfish person I know; you let me call at any hour of the night to vent, cry, scream, laugh, whatever I need. And it's awesome beyond words to have a friend like you.
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Gene' ~ You stop by almost daily to make sure I can get out of bed, and make me eat all kinds of disgusting healthy things like I should. You come over and have old-school style sleepovers on my bad nights to take my mind off all the crap going on in my life. You're my nocturnal sister who I can always count on to be awake all hours of the night to talk for hours on the phone (basically until your phone battery dies). And I love you for that. (But I still maintain that cucumbers and celery are nasty and disgusting.)
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Adam ~ You're the love of my life. In the 2 years and 7 months that we've been dating, we've dealt with things that most people get to have spread out over the span of 50 years of their relationship... we've each gone through taking eachother to the hospital, dealt with numerous illnesses, mortality, you name it. And we're both still standing. Together. You came along a year to the day of when I was at my lowest after the awful Valentine's Day of 2003. It took me a year and many other experiences to be ready for when you came along, but whoda thunk it would be Valentine's Day of 2004. You've put up with all my mood swings, illnesses, and oddities (my family lovingly fits into this category). You've seen me through my highs and lows, and yet you're still here. I love that we've already planned out most of our wedding even though it isn't official yet. You've made it clear you're in it for the long run and I look forward to the day I get to become your wife.
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Wendy ~ You've known me since I was a baby. You've always been a friend to me, and when Mom died, you stepped in as the maternal influence in my life, while still being a great friend. You've never tried to replace her, but I know I can always rely on you no matter what. I was really happy the day you started calling me your adopted daughter. I love ya, adopted mom.
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Margaret ~ I know we haven't always gotten along, but I really appreciate you letting me move in downstairs and have my kitties here with me. After I hit rock bottom Thursday night, after everyone else had gone upstairs, you came downstairs and gave me a hug. And I really needed that. And the next day when you brought me chocolate cupcakes to cheer me up, I was speechless. I know I don't say it often enough, but thank you.
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Dad ~ I'm sorry for how I sometimes act. And I'm sorry for scaring you last Thursday night. That wasn't my intent. We've gone through some rough times, and I appreciate you letting me move back home at the age of 26 since I had to resign from my job for medical reasons. And I appreciate you footing the bill for all of my doctor appointments and procedures while they're trying to figure out what's wrong. But most of all I appreciate the constant support you're giving me through all this stuff.
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Joff ~ I love talkin to you on IM. You take my mind off all the crap going on right now, and can always make me laugh. Even though I'm not in Blacksburg, you keep me up to date with everything going on up there. You're a joy to talk to, and a valued friend.
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Brett ~ You were one of my first and closest friends down in Wilmington. You're one of the few people who I could sit on the beach with and talk all night until the sun came up. But you're also one of the few people who I can sit with, not talk at all, and have it not feel weird and awkward.

miss you

I regret ever leaving UNCW, but that's something that I can't go back and change. Even though we haven't seen eachother since I left 6 years ago, we've managed to maintain a pretty damn good friendship through IM. (I'm really looking forward to that camping trip, btw, but I've got some healing to do first.)
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Gareth, OBXN, Adopted-Sis Tina, and my newfound friend Deanndra ~ I am speechless at the amount of support and understanding you guys have given me through the whole blogging experience. Your comments cheer me up, and even though I've done a lousy job of keeping up with y'alls blogs, you keep me up with your comments. And I thank y'all for that. And I promise to do a better job of keeping up with y'all.
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Sarah ~ One of my other closest friends from Wilmington, and another one of the reasons I regret leaving UNCW.

missin you

I'm glad after all this time you still care enough to check my blog and keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it more than you can know, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
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Janet (AKA the co-prez) ~ We both suffered through forestry classes together, and soon became friends. You're always a blast to hang out with even though it doesn't happen as often now because of geography, and for some reason whenever I'm gonna be where you are, you're somewhere else or vice-versa. Go fig. I'm sorry we don't get to talk as often as we used to, but I appreciate it whenever we do get to talk, and I've enjoyed your comments on my blog. I'll try and be a better friend by commenting on yours more. Thank you for the support you've given me. If there's ever anything you need, all you have to do is ask.
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Apolo ~ Sé que hemos tenido una amistad extraña, pero gracias por hacer que ríe el pasado pocas noches. Realmente lo he necesitado. (Sorry for any errors in the Spanish, I'm a little rusty.)
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Chad ~ We've had a friendship that's taken some odd twists and turns. But I've appreciated all the insomniac IHOP trips when you were in Blacksburg, and the late night IM convos and advice. You're a wealth of knowledge, and it doesn't go unnoticed.
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In case y'all hadn't noticed by now, I finally figured out how to put smilies in my postings.

hee hee

This is going to end up being an insanely long post, and I apologize if it takes forever to get through. I just really felt like I needed to get a lot of that out, and I appreciate those of you that read it.

Don't worry, I'ma end the post with a lil humor courtesy of Joff...
"Use a nice bottle of wine to dull the pain, and use the cork to plug the hole they drilled in you."

~ Joff's HILARIOUS suggestion for dealing with the unbearable pain of the hole they drilled in my back to take a bone marrow sample while I was fully conscious. It actually kinda sounds like a good idea if it weren't for all those pesky medications I'm on.

It's about 7 in the mornin, so I guess I'm gonna go try again to get some sleep. <---- (hopefully this is me soon.)


G'mornin y'all. I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday.

This one's a downer, so feel free to skip it...

It's been a rough week for me. I thank God above for the unconditional love of my two babies Saph and Emmie. No matter what happens at the doc appointments with my myriad of conditions, it's the most wonderful feeling to have my babies waiting at home to cheer me up. Actually, this post is gonna end up taking forever to type because I have an adorable Emmie curled up in my lap snuggling into my right arm. So I'm having to slowly type with just my left hand. But it's sooo worth it have kitty snuggles.

Speaking of medical problems, let me share the most recent occurrences. First of all I had to have outpatient surgery to try and fix one of the many problems I've got. The surgery itself wasn't too bad cuz I was knocked out for it. It's the recuperating that's been EXTREMELY painful and difficult. I figured, heck, I've had my colon removed through a series of two surgeries so this should be a piece of cake. What I forgot to take into account was that for my colon surgeries, I had an epideral with morphine. This time around, I've had limited pain relief available to me.

The most recent medical issue was this past Thursday (aka yesterday). Because of my ongoing severe anemia problems that are not responding to iron supplements, my doc FINALLY referred me to a hematologist (a blood doc). So I go into the appointment expecting to probably have some more blood drawn, and that would probably be it. I could not have been more wrong. It started out with them pricking my finger to get a sample at the very beginning of the appointment. So far, so good. Then, based on the results of that bloodwork, the doc desides he needs to take a sample of my bone marrow. For those of you who are not familiar with the procedure, they put an IV in, draw 6 more vials of blood for advanced blood testing, then inject a joke of a "relaxation drug" that's supposed to make the procedure more comfortable. It wasn't having any effect. So they gave me some more. Still no effect. So they go ahead with the procedure where they DRILLED A HOLE IN MY BACK WHILE I AM AWAKE AND FULLY CONSCIOUS to extract a sample of my bone marrow.

!!!!! !!!!!

Now, if this tells you how painful and gross it was, my dad has a pretty strong stomach and HE even said it looked ridiculously painful and archaic. (Much like a tree corer, for the one or two forestry people who read my blog.) I am sent home in an excruciating amount of pain. Then, after I get back home, the "relaxation" drugs start to take effect AN HOUR AFTER THE PROCEDURE. So I spend the afternoon having wacky conversations with myself and my sister that I have no recollection of, meanwhile I can remember every painful moment of the bone marrow extraction procedure. So now I've got a HOLE IN MY BACK that keeps oozing and seeping (sorry for those of you with weak stomachs) and the procedure has now made it too painful to sleep on my back, and has also caused general severe body pain on the right side of my body down to my knee. But after the extraction and before leaving the doc's office, they gave me one shot of some sort of iron in each arm. The injections were painful, as is any instance of skin being broken with a sharp object, but what I was not prepared for was the constant muscle pain that it's STILL causing in both arms. So now I can't sleep on either side because of the muscle pain from the shots. I can't sleep on my back because of the bone marrow extraction pain that isn't going away. And I can't sleep on my stomach because the rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia make it too painful. Basically, there is no position I can get in where I don't hurt!

I was supposed to go visit both sets of grandparents this weekend, and I'd had conversations a couple weeks ago where they kept letting me know how much they are looking forward to getting to see me. But because of all of the pain, I've had to back out of the trip. So now I feel like a complete ass (excuse the language) for disappointing my grandparents. I'd REALLY been looking forward to getting to see them, because it's been awhile since our last visits. My dad understands the situation I'm in but I can tell he is disappointed too, even though he would never say so.

So yeah, it's been a rough week. I'm ending up on my own until this Wednesday. My sister is trying really hard to cheer me up, and I appreciate it, but I'm just in one of those moods where I don't even want to be cheered up, if that makes any sense. I ended up having an impromptu intervention-type situation with dad and Gene' last night cuz I was having some not so good thoughts and they were worried I was gonna do something irreversible. And to be honest, the thought was crossing my mind. I totally hit rock bottom last night.

So that's my screwed up life right now. I apologize for this email ending up being a bitchfest and paragraphs of pure venting, but I guess I just needed to get some of that out. And that's pretty much all that's been going on lately. Wish I had some cheery stuff to post, but that category is kinda lacking in my life right now. Except for the totally awesome comment from my Ad-Mom about how I really remind her of my Mom. I think that's one of the best compliments I've ever received, and I really appreciated it.

I guess I'm going to go watch a movie and hope to get some sleep tonight before watching my Virginia Tech HOKIES kick some Tarheel football hiney tomorrow at noon. Hey, I've actually come up with some silver lining about the situation: by being shafted by my boyfriend for the sake of his rude guests and having to stay in Roanoke by myself, now I get to watch the game in high definition on my dad's widescreen tv! Woohoooo! Pity I'll be watching it by myself though. Narf.

Sorry for the downer post, but kudos to those of you who cared to read my venting about my less-than-nice life right now. I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

I'm back from hermit-land...

I'm finally back on blogger, and on a regular basis, too! I'm forcing myself to stop feeling the need to isolate myself from everybody and everything because I know that isn't healthy behavior. I really appreciate everyone's patience with me.

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Can't wait until I get to watch Roddick play tonight!! I'll be completely honest... when I first started watching tennis it was because it was something Adam was into, so I was gonna give it a try. Then I noticed there was a very good looking player named Andy Roddick. So then, I was only watching tennis for the sake of getting to see Andy. And now I've morphed into a full-on tennis fan who likes to watch pretty much any player.

(But Andy Roddick is definitely still my favorite.)

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Well, nothing much else is happening right now. I think I'ma go read for a while this afternoon until ATP Tennis comes on tonight at 7pm. I'll definitely be posting more this evening, but my mind is going blank for the moment. [Insert blonde joke here.] I'll be back online a lil later tonight.

Last thing before bed...

Andy's US OPEN Notable Quotables:
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Some of the more memorable and entertaining moments at the US Open do not happen in Arthur Ashe Stadium, rather in the post match press conferences in Interview Room #1. It is little surprise that Andy’s press conferences are highly anticipated and attended by the media. Tucked behind a Lacoste hat, following both his third and fourth round wins, Andy has given the media plenty to write about. Check out some of our favorite Notable Quotables:

“I’m with them,” Andy followed in the back of a tour passing through the interview room before taking his seat.

“You don’t want to be the guy who shot Bambi,” Andy referenced the association that will follow Benjamin Becker for being the player to end Andre Agassi’s legendary career.

“It’s my mom, I probably should answer it,” Andy accidentally forgot to turn off his ringer on his cell phone.

“Still no confirmation if he liked me,” Andy joked about Andre mentoring Andy at an early age.

“Shooting the guy who shot Bambi, I guess it’s better than being the guy who shot Bambi,” Andy reflected on beating Benjamin Becker.

“It’s a fun fact, bug if anything, I’ll use the radar as a gage for what I’m hitting well,” Andy admitted he doesn’t obsess over the radar gun that clocks his massive serve.

“He came to Austin, stayed in one of the upstairs bedrooms,” Andy commented on having Jimmy Connors as one of the guys, staying in his house in Austin. When a reporter tried to get more details on having Jimmy stay with Andy, she phrased the question slightly awkwardly that made Andy chuckle, “um…I never felt much about Jimmy Connors in my upstairs bedroom, no I know what you meant, I hope!”

“Mardy and I used to race our cars to school….but of course we were safe about it,” Andy discussed the friendships of the American men on tour without encouraging reckless driving.

“Poker…Sports…other things,” Andy grinned as he shared what the boys talk about.

“I’m not very good at it,” Andy admitted although he things the addition of Hawkeye is a beneficial, he doesn’t have a good record using his challenges.

“How much time do you have?” Andy shot back at a reporter when asked what the challenges were he was facing to win the US Open.

I owe y'all an apology...

It's been a rough couple of weeks, but I know that's no excuse for neglecting my blog and you guys' blogs as well. The combination of the procedures I've had to have done, with all the meds I'm on, it just kinda all messed me up. But I'm defragmenting myself and hoping to be back to normal soon... and I use the word "normal" loosely. ;-)

So to sum it up, tonight's blog entry is gonna be short and sucky, but I'm definitely going to be upgrading and making some changes and additions to it tomorrow. I've found some cool stuff on the internet to spice it up a lil, but my meds are actually making me sleepy, so I'ma opt to take advantage of my rare sleepiness and work on the blog tomorrow. (And I've also got a lot of catching up to do on y'alls' blogs cuz I wanna get back into the loop again.) :-P

I hope everyone's week has gotten off to a good start, and I promise I'll be back online tomorrow. But for now, I'm off to dreamland voluntarily for the first time in a while.........

G'night y'all!